Endings Are Scary

I am not the kind of person who is good at ending things. I have a hard drive full of unfinished stories, and the last major relationship I was in, I knew it should have ended at least six months before it became more than a necessity to end.

For the last two years I have worked for a company that has done a lot of good for the people we care for, but that doesn’t do as much good for the people who toil daily to take care of its clients. At least one year ago, I first said “I should quit.” I had a lot of issues maintaining my ability to be creative and work full time taking care of recovering addicts – and at that time, I was working the graveyard shift.

The night used to be my inspiration. It used to be the quiet time, when I was responsible to no one and able to do anything. I worked graveyard for a year and a half, which ruined that feeling. I was responsible, I had to make sure people were alive, and I had to make sure they weren’t getting drunk or high. My body began to deteriorate along with my creative spirit, and in March, they worked with me to adjust to a life with daylight. I’ve been working in the daytime for 7 months, and it has helped in some ways and hindered. It is almost impossible for me to get things done because my schedule is too severe for my brain. But these were inconveniences I could have bore if the cost was worth the benefit. It just wasn’t.

I love my coworkers, and I think every woman who steps through our door trying to get sober is so worthy of life and love and hope. But I can’t work for a company that doesn’t care about its employees. I tried for over two years, and I’m done.

So as of November 3rd, I’ll be down my principle form of making money. And it’s funny – I think about this as if I am not going to have a source of income, but in truth, I have at lest two other ways I make money: children’s parties and bail bonds. I am incredibly fortunate that my mom has agreed to help me stay on my feet for a month.

My question now is – do I have what it takes to figure my own way out, or do I have to commit to another job that will suck away my creativity?

I wish I was one of those people who had the drive to work full time and create full time. I don’t know how to do that. I’m maybe too spoiled, or maybe I just don’t need creativity bad enough, but I need time to create.

I am terrified of my vices. I am terrified that I am going to give in to the depression that lurks at the edge of everything I do. I am terrified that a month will pass and even with time I will have created nothing. I will have finished nothing.

I am working very hard to make sure that isn’t my story. I was able to finish this one, I will finish another.

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